One of the most painful things about having a mental illness is the feeling of absolute isolation from friends and family. Though well-intentioned, family and friends often don't know what to do or say that is effective and helpful for the suffering soul, and feel lost themselves.
The following are a few tips in how to VALIDATE your loved one.
The following are a few tips in how to VALIDATE your loved one.
The Essence of Validation is This:
(Linehan, 1993, pp. 222-223)
Key Points About Validation
1.) Validation means ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of the valid, validation does not mean that you validate the invalid.
2.) Something can be valid in that moment, in that specific set of circumstances, for that person. Something may be valid if it makes sense and is understandable to that average person in the same situation. To be valid something is justifiable in terms of the facts and/or appropriate to the end in view or the individual's ultiate goals.
3.) Validation DOES NOT mean that you agree with or like what the other person is doing, saying, or feeling.
What to Validate
- The Individual: respond to the person in a meaningful way, as he/she is, in the moment.
- Behavior: validate any activity of the individual, including physiological responses (breathing, heart beating, tensing muscles) and overt actions.
- Thoughts: validate the cognitive responses of the individual (expectations, beliefs, thoughts, assumptions).
- Feelings: validate the emotions or feelings experienced by the individual in that moment.
Why Validate? Why Bother?
- It communicates that you are interested.
- It communiates that you are paying attention.
- It communicates that you are trying to understand.
- It communicates a nonjudgmental, accpeting stance.
- It communicates a caring stance.
- It communicates compassion and empathy.
- It opens the door to effective communication.
- It helps you build and maintain healthy relationships.
- It can decrease the intensity of conflicts or deflect them altogether.
- It makes the other person more likely to hear you.
- It strengthens relationships.
- It's an antetode to shame.
- Helps with problem solving.
*Remember everyone feels validation in different ways.
*Ask questions that make a person feel heard.
Created by: Kristie Lemmon
Reference: Linehan, M.M. (1997). Validation and psychotherapy. In A. Bohart & L.S. Greenberg (Eds.) Empathy reconsidered. Washington DC: American Psychological Association.
Levels of Validation
1.) Listen and Observe: Listen to and observe what the other person is saying, feeling, and doing. Act interested in the other person. Pay attention to what the other person says and does. Remain engaged in the converstation and respond in a way that lets the other person know you are listening. This requires that you be fully in the present momtn, doing one thing at a time. "Tell me more." "I don't understand, can you explain that." "What were you thinking at that point?" "What then?"
2.) Accurately Reflect: Reflect back to the other person an understanding of what you heard. This can be done by summarizing or restating what the person just said. The goal is to come to a shared understanding of what is being communicated. It is important to be nonjudgmental in reflection. So what I hear you say is...Is that right?"
3.) Articulate the Unverbalized: Communicate to the other person understanding of their experience that has not necessarily been communicated directly by them. This may mean that you verbalize what you think they might be feeling or wishing for. "I'll bet you were really upset by that..."
4.) Validate in Terms of Its Causes: Validate the other person's response in terms of their history, even if it doesn't make sense in the current ircumstances. "With what you went through last year, I can understand how you might be upset about that."
5.) Validate as Reasonable-in-the-Moment: Communicate that the other person's responses are justifiable, reasonable, well-grounded, and/0r meaningful in terms of curent events or in terms of long term goals. "Your response makes complete sense with what you heard."
6.) Treat the Person as Valid: Recognize the person as he/she is in the moment. Respond to them as a person of equal status and equal respect. This is accepting the individual as "is." It is the opposite of treating the individual in a condescending manner. It is responding to the individual as capable of effective and responsible behavior rather than assuming that he/she is invalid. "I believe in you."
*Remember that you can validate not only with what you say, but how you say it.
*Lead out with validation vs. advice and people will respond more effectively.
LEVELS OF VALIDATION CONTINUED...
Take one example and practice it for 21 days
and then pick up another example and practice with it, etc.
1.) STAYING AWAKE: Unbiased listening & observing.
Deep listening (heart is open, present, non-verbal & verbal feedback that you're listening).
2.) ACCURATE REFLECTION: Mirroring what the other person has just said.
"So what you're telling me..." "In other words..."
3.) ARTICULATING THE UNVERBALIZED EMOTIONS, THOUGHTS, OR BEHAVIOR.
"Given where you've been, your diagnosis, etc., I know lots of people who've felt this way."
"Oh my goodness, I can't imagine how frustrating that would be."
4.) VALIDATION IN TERMS OF PAST LEARNING OR BIOLOGIAL DYSFUNCTION (for ex: being highly emotional, anxious, depressed--it's something & or/tendencies someone is born with).
"Of course you did__________, felt__________, thought that. That's the only way it could've been. How could you not given your diagnosis or history."
5.) VALIDATION IN TERMS OF PRESENT CONTEXT OR NORMAL FUNCTIONING.
"You are human, how could you have not__________? Any human would do that."
6.) RADICAL GENUINESS.
"I imagine if I__________, I might have felt the very same way."
"The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention... A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words."
--Rachel Naomi Remen
Created by: Krsitie Lemmon
Reference: Linehan, M.M (1997). Validation and psychotherapy. In a Bohart & L.S. Greenberg (Eds.) Empathy reconsidered. Washington DC: American Psychologial Association.
Another important key point in relating to your loved one is to take a Non-Judgmental approach. This in combination with validation will work wonders in communicating and creating a space where everyone feels heard.
NON-JUDGMENTALLY
1.) See but DON'T EVALUATE. Take a nonjudgmental stance. Just the facts. Focus on the "what," not the "good" or "bad," the "terrible" or "wonderful," the "should" or "should not."
2.) UNGLUE YOUR OPINIONS from the facts, from the "who, what, when, and where."
3.) ACCEPT each moment, each event as a blanket spread out on the lawn accepts both the rain and the sun, each leaf that falls upon it.
4.) ACKNOWLEDGE the helpful, the wholesome, but don't judge it. Acknowledge the harmful, the unwholesome, but don't judge it.
5.) When you find yourself judging, DON'T JUDGE YOUR JUDGING.
- Seeing without evaluating
- No right or wrong
- Acknowledging the helpful & the harmful w/o judging it
- Non-evaluative
- Non-attached
- Don't Judge Judging
Non-judgmentally DOES NOT MEAN APPROVAL!!!
Important points to remember...
1.) Practicing being non-judgmental is seeing things as they are, realizing that everything is what it is and everything is caused.
2.) Judgments are short-hand for stating consequences; giving up judgments does not mean denying consequences.
3.) Values and emotional responses to events are not themselves judgments.
4.) Statements of fact are not judgments...But judgments often go along with statements of fact.
Tips for Replacing Judgments
- State the facts (remember taste, touch, hear, smell, see)
- Describe the event as observed
- Describe consequences (when x happens y occurs)
- Describe own feelings in response to facts
Created by: Kristie Lemmon Reference: Linehan, M. (2003). Mindfulness, willingness and radical acceptance in psychotherapy. Proceedings from conference. July 21-23, 2003. Carmel, CA: Behaviroal Tech, LLC.
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